by Gene Mahoney

April 2002

Hey there, everybody. As I write this it's 6:58 AM on Monday, March 18th and I've got to belt out this column, work on some more layout, and get the newspaper boards for this issue from Burlingame to Sonoma by noon. I'm really burning the candle at both ends lately, even more than usual, because this is the month that my second newspaper, the Silicon Valley Review debuts. That's why this issue's Good Clean Fun comic is a rerun from February 2001. I know, I know... sorry. But I've been selling ads and organizing things, so I just haven't had the time. Yes, I know the reason why Moonlighting eventually lost it's audience is because there were too many reruns, but Bruce and Cybil weren't selling ads and doing everything else, too. I swear that next issue will have a new cartoon. From now on they're going to be longer as well; seven pages, just like the old days. I've been inspired by meeting some strange people and having some weird things happen to me recently, so hopefully the comic pages will get some new life in them.

Thanks to everyone who heeded my advice in last issue's column and sent me money in the mail! Right now I'm up to $47. A special thanks to Denny Anderson, who just moved to the west side of the bay and got a job as an apartment manager in Tenderloin Heights. He wrote that he saw the Herald in a local coffee shop, enjoyed it, and decided to send me $25 for good luck. What a guy! Thanks also to this psychologist woman who sent me $10 and offered psychiatric help to all the writers on my staff! We should all get together and have a group therapy session with her. Actually, if the shrink is reading this now, send us a brief psychological profile outlining what you think is wrong with each of us and perhaps I'll print it in a future issue. There were also some nice people who sent in 2 bucks or so. Well thank yuh very much! And if you haven't sent in any money yet, start! If you've been reading this rag for a while BE A PAL and slip a buck in the mail to me at: Gene Mahoney, SF Herald, 815 Geary #115, SF, CA 94109.

You have to be 18 or older to send me money, and if it's over $10, please send a check. I don't want kids raiding their parents' wallets and I want to be able to track down people to return some money in the unlikely event they'll send me too much. Come on, if you can buy into KQED's claim that they are the number one public TV station in the country and send them money, you can send me a buck. Actually, I don't mean to put down KQED. They have some good shows. But I just don't understand how they can be the number one PBS station in America. Wouldn't it be logical to assume WNET in New York is? After all, New York City has a population ten times that of San Francisco, plus their signal reaches out to Long Island and Westchester County. Also, take into account that New York isn't some hick town in Alabama. It has a lot of people who watch public TV. My native New York has a lot of intellectuals. Real ones, too. Not the New-Age-self-help-book-reading-bubbleheads we have here. I've never been able to figure that numero uno claim about KQED out. Maybe someone can explain it to me. Either way, it's our local public station, so send them some dough. But more importantly, send ME some dough! Even if it's just a buck. Once again, though, you must be 18 to send it and anything over $10 has to be in check form. Okay, 'nuff said.

Thanks as well to the mighty Ace Backwords for his nice letter this issue (and the $10 he sent!) and to his prot˛g˛, B.N.Duncan. They write such nice things about me this issue. Actually, they kiss my ass. It's almost like this show that used to be on when I was a kid before I could stay up late. It was on for a season, I think in 1973, right before the original Saturday Night Live debuted. It was called Sammy and Company, starring Sammy Davis, Jr.

I think it was the comic Eugene Levy who offered a take sort of like this on it:

It was a talk show where all they did was kiss each other's butts. Sammy would come out and do his number. The crowd would applaud. He would cry and thank the audience for being so wonderful. Then a guest would come out and Sammy would fawn all over him. The guest would reply in kind by fawning all over Sammy. Sammy would volley back a barrage of flattery. The guest would return the favor:

I have to say this. I can't keep it to myself anymore. You are one of the greatest talents in the world."(Applause) "Oh, no, no. Get out of here, Sammy. YOU are the greatest entertainer in the world and you know it!" (Wild Applause) "Man, oh, man... you're great. But really, YOU'RE the best. Not me. I worship the ground you walk on. (Tears) I really do, man.I love you!" (A few claps, tears from the audience) "I LOVE YOU, SAMMY! WE ALL LOVE YOU! Isn't that right, everybody?" (Sammy and guest hug) (Wild, wild applause, whistling, tears) "Man, would you like to do another number? ""Only if you sing it with me, Sammy!" (Applause) (Sammy and guest take the stage and butcher a then current Top 40 hit) Then another guest would come out and it would start all over.

Anyway, thanks for all the nice letters from Ace, Duncan, and all the new friends who have written me since I started begging for money. And now, on to some news.... The lovely Martha Zlatar sends me this: FINDING SPACE FOR ART: Are you an emerging artist interested in exhibiting opportunities? Do you have extra space and want artwork on your walls? If you've answered YES to any of the above questions then you might want to join the ArtMatch Community. Artmatch is the place where artists find their gigs and art spaces their art. Our goal is to create a solid network of potential venues and spaces around the San Francisco Bay Area where emerging visual artists can explore exhibiting opportunities. An art space or venue can be an art gallery, a restaurant, a coffee shop, a bar, a hospital, an empty building, a hotel, a beauty salon or even someone's house. The idea is for artists to have access to potential exhibiting opportunities and to get exposure in conventional and unconventional venues. To register with us or for more information please contact us at: ARTMATCH, Attn: Martha Zlatar, 1060 Bush #212, SF, CA 94109, (415) 309-0692, artmatch@hotmail.com, www. Artmatch.org.

Thanks to everyone who came out to see Kimberlye Gold perform an acoustic set at San Francisco's newest restaurant, Zebulon (83 Natoma, off 2nd between Mission and Howard.) If you haven't been to Zebulon yet, make sure you go. The food is great; especially the Mango Chicken, which is so delicious I often can't sleep at night as I toss and turn in anticipation for the day to arrive so I can go there and order it. It's a nice little hideaway to eat dinner at before a Giants game, or before you have a few drinks at 111 Minna Gallery, which is just a hop, skip, and a jump away.

Another great place to eat dinner is at my favorite Italian restaurant in town, Borgo (located at Fell and Laguna in Hayes Valley.) Recently Kimberlye Gold and I had dinner there with former senior editor of Rolling Stone Ben Fong-Torres (name drop) and his wife, Dianne. Sergio the owner was having a goodtime and Boris the Croatian chef made us an endless potpourri of eggplant with mozzarella cheese, tomatoes, proscrutto smoked salmon capers, grilled vegetables, risotto marinara melanese (ala Sergio), homemade fettuccini with porcini mushrooms, lasagna with mozzarella cheese, parmesan cheese, gnocchi and ravioli, red snapper with broccoli, potatoes, ice cream and cannoli... and a whole bunch of other delights. Man, we were about to explode! Ben was impressed with the establishment's owner, saying: "He's a showman and this is his show." Go there and see the show for yourself.

Right down the street from where I live is the Burlingame Museum of Pez Memorabilia (214 California Drive, Burlingame, CA 94010, (650) 347-2301.) I never noticed it before. It's the largest public display of Pez Candy Dispensers in the world! I walked in and met Gary Doss, who runs the place with his mother. Gary owned the place when it was a store called Computer Spectrum. Says Mr. Doss: "8 years ago I brought down my Pez collection for people to look at while they waited, and it took over." Gary then told me he was headed down to Los Angeles for the PEZcific Coast Convention to hang out with other Pez-heads. Apparently there are other people who collect these things, too. The museum is open Tuesday through Saturday from 10 AM to 6 PM....

Attention all musicians: Francesca's (2135 Old Middlefield Road in Mt. View. I think it's Mt. View, the flyer they gave me doesn't say) presents The John Handy Slam Jam every Thursday, 9 PM till 12 PM (it says 12 PM but I think they mean 12 AM.) All musicians are welcome (blues, classic soul, jazz, rock, reggae). Call (650) 965-1162 for more info.

If you wish to read more click here!

Gene can be emailed here.