One Per Customer

The tension on the street is palpable and something has to be done about it. Being a cab driver puts me right in the middle of it and I can tell you, we need some sort of pressure valve before the whole sumbitchin’ thing blows. Everyone is straining towards the source of their frustration, and generally trying to invoke carnage on an abstraction that needs an entity. A solid form to hold onto and squeeze the shit out of. Remember when you were a kid and you’d place your forearm real close to the TV screen after turning it off, and the hairs would reach towards the source of the static electricity. And if the screen wasn’t in the way, those hairs would arrive at the source and strangle the life out of it because... well, I’m not sure why... but it would sure feel satisfying. This is what it’s like on the streets. People are pissed off and they can’t get to the source of their anger.

So I say one per customer. One for each and every U.S. citizen. One legal murder per lifetime, per person over the age of 18. If you’re old enough to get drafted into a war on foreign soil, you’re old enough to kill responsibly right here at home. One, and only one, and if you whack someone over and above this allotment you’re in big trouble, although I haven’t yet figured out the punishment for this offense.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO USE YOUR MURDER. You may want to save it and savor it, and save it some more, and roll it around in your brain, and then decide you don’t really need it. Fine. Good for you. Such restraint is considered a virtue in many quarters, and your tombstone may make mention of something to this effect. But imagine your peace of mind just having that “ace in the hole”. Personally speaking, I’ll be hiding in the bushes, safety off, finger on the trigger, waiting for the clock to strike midnight on the first day that this essential legislation goes into effect. But that’s just me.

Now if you don’t use your one legal hit, that’s it. It’s done. Murder is non-transferable. We don’t want a situation where someone’s whole family is killed in a plane crash, and they inherit seven or eight righteous murders. Then the person willed these murders goes on an alcohol/methamphetamine bender and offs two nuns, a biology teacher, the centerfielder for the Toronto Blue Jays, Maury Povich, the French guy from “Hogan’s Heroes”, and still has a couple of more snuff opportunities to play around with. This isn’t a subway token, or a bar chip we’re talking about here.

Non-transference will encourage people to exercise their right to murder, thus bringing the collective tension level down. Dissipate the hatred at least somewhat. Let off some steam. Then at least you can drive down the road and flip somebody the bird without getting shot, unless, of course, the flippee hasn’t used his, or her, one allocated murder yet, and then I guess it’s okay if they shoot you, and you’re shit out of luck. But people are going to be very discriminating about who they kill, and we’ll have a return of manners, chivalry, gentility, courtesy, civic pride, community spirit, debates, friendly arguments, and fist fights. Gunplay will be a rarity and employed appropriately.

Here’s a little word of advice: If you’ve used up your one murder -- don’t go spoutin’ off about it! Nobody has to know. Let them think you’re itching for an excuse to kill. Play those cards close to your vest and people are gonna seem real nice. Downright pleasant I reckon. I know this seems extreme on the surface, but by my calculations, the murder rate should go down, within ten years, by about 47%. That’s a huge savings to you the consumer. How do you argue with a precipitous drop in the senseless killings every year?

I’m sure we’re all aware of the innate desire, or need, to kill. It’s in us from birth and starts to blossom at puberty. Often these feelings are confused with sexual desire, but with age and maturity come the realization that we just want to kill somebody who desperately needs killing. Curbing this desire has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be unhealthy. The sooner we get this bill on the ballot, the sooner we at least get it into the political, and public consciousness. Then we get the ball rolling. I mean what good does our right to bear arms do us if we can’t shoot some damn body. What a senseless tease that is! And why does our government want to send troops all over the globe when our enemies are right here on U.S. soil? We got plenty of killing to do right in our own backyards (or workplaces). And while I’m at it, here’s another word of advice: You people better start handing over some decent tips to us service people, because, Brothers and Sisters, that extra buck might save your life. That’s not a threat... just some friendly advice.

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