Advice for $5.10

 

I pick up this guy just west of the B’way tunnel, on a medium slow, Wednesday night. He’s a tall, handsome, well-groomed man in his early thirties. He smells nice.

 

“I’m just going through the tunnel to B’way and Montgomery.”

 

“O.K.”

 

“Yeah, I just started managing a new men’s club called “Boy’s Toys”.

 

“Oh yeah, I’ve seen that. That building used to be ‘The Stone’, a heavy metal club.”

 

“Right. You should see it now. It’s beautiful. Lots of dark wood, and chrome, brand new, state of the art kitchen, amazing sound system! And they’re bringing in some of the most beautiful centerfolds in the country,… in the world! “

 

"Alright.”

 

“You wanna come in for a drink? You can be my guest.”

 

“No thanks, I’ve got to keep working. Don’t want to break my rhythm.”

 

“I understand. You ever want to come in just ask for me, Jim. I’ll comp you.”

 

“Thanks Jim.”

 

“Anytime. Hey, if you get any customers looking for an upscale, men’s club, with great food, bring ‘em by. We also have a full bar with an impressive wine list. We’re really the classiest club in town.”

 

“Hence the classy name, ‘Boys’ Toys’.”

 

“You don’t like the name?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“What’s wrong with it?”

 

“Probably nothing. It’s just my personal tastes….it’s fine.”

 

“No really, what wrong with it? I’m interested in your opinion. I think cab drivers really have their fingers on the pulse of the city, and are an excellent source of information.”

 

“You think I have my finger on the pulse of the city?”

 

“Yes I do.”

 

“O.K. Well what I don’t like about the name ‘Boys’ Toys’ is,…. it’s not a classy enough name to attract the type of clientele you’re gearing the club towards. It’s kind of sneaky sexist. The attempt to be clever falls flat. It also sounds like it could be the other kind of men’s club, if you get my drift.”

 

“I don’t think the name would turn anyone off. I mean, after all, it is a titty bar we’re talking about here.”

 

“Exactly, so why soft pedal the product. Tell it like it is. ‘Boys’ Toys’ is crass, without being honest. Either have a name that has nothing to do with sex, and let word-of-mouth attract customers, or have a name that spells it out. Do you think you can fool these CEO’s you’re trying to get into the club? These people are not stupid and they appreciate honesty in advertising.”

 

“O.K., what would you name the club?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“No really. You’re so free with advice. I’m sure you have some ideas, and I’d love to hear them.”

 

“See, now you’re mad. Forget it.”

I pull up to the club and the man gets out and reaches into his pocket for money. It’s $4.90 on the meter and he gives me a ten.

 

“Hey Doctor, I’m really not mad at all. I was just curious about your ideas for a name. Who knows, we may change the name someday.”

He’s staring at me through the open passenger side door, waiting. I know he thinks his gratuity obliges me to come up with something. He’s mad. Sneaky mad. “Well, how ‘bout, ‘Whores N Food’.”

 

Man laughs. “You’re a funny guy. Don’t you have a serious suggestion?”

 

“That is a serious suggestion.”

 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! ‘Whores And Food’! That’s your idea for a replacement to ‘Boys’ Toys’?”

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Why not! Because it’s ridiculous. It’s…..idiotic. You’re really a wise-ass, you know that.”

 

The man is now yelling, and two of the bouncer/security guys come over to see what’s going on. They’re wearing tuxedoes and staring at me through the open passenger door. I start thinking that “Boys’ Toys” isn’t such a bad name after all, but I’m in too far to turn back.

 

“It’s honest! Refreshingly honest. High rollers will respond to it’s ……honesty. Dinettes N' Stools, Beverages N' more, Whores N' Food. Come on!”

 

“You know what? I don’t think so. Why don’t you move along, you’re in the passenger zone.”

 

Having said this, the man, closes the passenger door, and walks towards the club. I open the front, passenger-side window and yell, “O.K., HOW ‘BOUT SOMETHING WITH A GERMAN THEME LIKE , ‘CLITSUNDLAGER’?”.

 

He turns around, looks at me, then says something to the bouncers, who have also moved back onto the sidewalk. They make quick movements towards the cab, and I take off. I really thought “Whores N Food” was a good name. I’m not so sure about “ClitsundLager.

 

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