Boat Drinks

24 July 2002 - I was at the producer 2 Cold Montoya's wedding reception. It was being held on a cruise ship anchored in Marina del Rey. I stepped up to the bar to order a drink. Sinbad and David Hasselhoff were leaning against the bar, ordering shots of tequila. When I finally caught the bartender's attention, I ordered a quick vodka-seven.

As the bartender started pouring my drink, Sinbad turned to me. He looked at me for a moment. "Wassup, man?"

I nodded hello. "Hey."

The bartender handed me a drink. I put a $5 bill in his tip jar. Sinbad squinted at me. "Aren't you that guy who was in those toilet commercials?"

I grinned and took a sip of my drink. "Yup. That was me."

Sinbad laughed. "Shoot, man. That was so wack. Buncha guys attacking a giant toilet bowl. Me and my buddies used to laugh our asses off whenever that came on."

I took another sip of my drink. "Thanks."

Hasselhoff threw back his tequila. "I remember that." He clapped Sinbad on the back. "Man, that was crazy."

"Yeah."

I started to say "Thanks," but Sinbad had already turned back to his drink. I gestured with my glass to Hasselhoff and set off across the deck.

I strolled casually along the promenade, wandering toward the back of the boat. Suddenly, I bumped into Barbara Walters and Cher. They were laughing and talking. Barbara was wearing a pink dress. Cher was wearing dark pants and a dark blouse, partly unbuttoned. Her cheeks seemed unusually shiny and rigid-- as if they were being pulled taut across her cheekbones. I took a sip of my drink and tapped Cher on the shoulder.

"Baby, can I just say that I love your Malibu house. It looks awesome."

Cher smiled. "Thmph-yun."

I paused. "What's that, baby?"

"Thmph-yun."

Barbara looked at me. "She said, 'Thank you.'"

I nodded. "Oh, right."

Cher nodded. "Umph-lub-in-too."

I looked at Barbara. "What was that?"

"She said that she loves it too."

"Oh...good."

We stood around for a moment. I took a sip of my drink. Barbara pointed at Cher. "She just came back from Dr. Herbert."

"Oh."

Cher touched my arm. "Wheh-din-yah-say-mah-has?"

I grinned. "What's that?"

"Wheh-din-yah-say-mah-has?"

I squinted at her. "Huh?"

"Teb-meh, wheh-din-yah-say-mah-has?"

Barbara smiled at me. "She wants to know when you saw her house."

I shook my head. "I don't know. Fairly recently. But listen, I should probably get going. I wouldn't want to interrupt you lovely ladies. You were busy talking and all..."

Barbara grabbed my arm. "No, no. Stay while. Tell us something about yourself."

"Umm, well...I can't." I downed the rest of my drink and looked at them apologetically. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to get a refill."

Cher nodded. "Ah-kay."

Barbara smiled politely. "Well, it was wonderful to see you."

"You too."

I hurried back to the bar.

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