All Aboard

A few weeks after I met Susan Sarandon, my agent sent me to New York to audition for a part in a film called "The Legend of Deb Mutrie." I flew into New York and took a cab into mid-town Manhattan. I found myself hurrying down the main escalator of Grand Central Station, in a rush to catch a train to my audition. I had probably a minute-and-a-half to make a train on the lower level. I was sort of pushing my way down the escalator, ducking past people, muttering, "Excuse me, excuse me." Near the bottom of the escalator, I half-stumbled into a short, dark-haired woman.

"Pardon me," I said.

The woman poked me in the shoulder. "Why don’t you watch where you going? You knock me over, why not?"

I continued down the escalator. I half-turned to the woman. "Sorry, baby–I gotta make a train." I continued jostling down the escalator. "Excuse me, excuse me…"

Behind me, the dark-haired woman shouted, "`BABY’–you don’t call me ‘baby.’"

I ignored her and jumped down the last few steps of the escalator. I landed on the tan marble floor of Grand Central’s main hall. I began hurrying toward the north stairwell. I had less than a minute to get to the lower level and catch my train.

I hadn’t gone more than 10 steps when someone crashed into me. I fell forward, landing flat on my hands and knees. My Bitterman trenchcoat–which I’d been carrying over my right arm–draped itself across the floor.

A woman’s voice shouted behind me, "That’s for calling me ‘baby.’"

I stood up and turned around. It was the dark-haired woman from the escalator. She was wearing large wrap-around sunglasses and a black leather jacket. Her face looked familiar. She touched her bun of hair to steady it and I realized that I was looking at Yoko Ono.

I hurriedly picked up my trenchcoat. "My God, Yoko, honey–I had no idea it was you."

Yoko glared at me. "You a very bad person."

I folded my trenchcoat. "Oh, baby–don’t say that. You gotta forgive me. See, I just gotta make this train." I turned and pointed at the stairwell to the lower level. "See, I gotta go. All right, honey?… Everything’s cool, right? Okay, bye..."

Yoko stomped her foot. "No, no. You say sorry, right now."

I was frantic to make my train. "No, Yoko–I love you, baby, you know that–"

"Say sorry."

I had to think quickly. "My God," I shouted. "What’s that?" I pointed to something behind Yoko. She turned to look, putting up a hand to steady her hair. Instantly I sprinted off to the stairwell.

I jumped down the first part of the stairs. Behind me Yoko began shouting, "Creep, creep..."

I jumped the final steps to the lower level. I could hear the clip-clop of Yoko’s feet echoing behind me in the stairwell. She was chasing after me. I ran down the hall to my train’s gate. I ducked through the gate and sprinted down the ramp leading to the platform.

Yoko saw me run through the gate. She began shrieking something unintelligible, "Eeh manami–eeh-chah manami…"

I spotted my train waiting along the platform. At that moment, a bell sounded. Just as I reached the first car of the train, the door slid shut in front of me.

I panted frantically. I glanced back at Yoko and began pounding on the door of the train.

"Please, somebody. For God’s sake–open the door–"

I pounded on the door again. A Metro-North conductor walked by; he ignored me.

I glanced back again at Yoko. She was bounding down the ramp, her bun of hair flopping loosely around her ears. I pushed off the door of the train and began sprinting down the platform.

I ran past the next car, and then past the dining car, trying to put some distance between me and Yoko. I glanced back and saw her lurching clumsily along, half-trying to steady her hair. Stray black hairs had fallen across her sunglasses.

The bell of the train rang again. I ran to the next car and began pounding on the door. "Please somebody–anybody. Help me. God–"

A conductor appeared in front of the door. He was holding a clipboard. He yelled through the window, "`You got a ticket?"

"Yes, yes," I shouted, still pounding on the glass. "I have a ticket."

"Let me see it."

I reached into my pocket to pull out my round-trip voucher. I glanced back at Yoko. She had pulled a hairpin out of her hair. She was charging toward me, holding the hairpin like a knife in her hand. All her hair had flopped down crazily around her face. She saw me glance at her and began to shout, "AIGHHH…"

I dug out my voucher and held it up for the conductor. "Please, hurry. She’s gonna kill me…"

The conductor glanced at my ticket. Then he reached up and pushed the door release button. A bell rang and the door slid open. I fell inside, panting and wheezing.

"Oh, thank Christ," I gasped. "Thank you, Lord."

The conductor pressed the button again and the door slid shut. Just at that moment, Yoko leaped for the door. I looked up in time to see her face bounce off the window. She fell back onto the platform.

The Metro-North conductor didn’t seem to notice Yoko caroming off the door. He reached down and helped me to my feet. "Let me have your ticket."

I handed him my round-trip voucher. The train began to rumble down the track.