Kathie Lee, I Love You!

When I got back from the audition in New York, I learned that Kathie Lee Gifford would be appearing at Blunno’s Rare Books to sign copies of her new book, Through the Laughter and the Tears. I’d always been a big fan, even after all that had happened between us. So I made sure to get to the bookstore early.

I drifted around the back of the store and glanced through Sam Donaldson’s autobiography, Candy and Wine. A woman with red hair, late-thirties, was browsing the aisle next to me. She sort of half-turned once or twice, vaguely nodding at me. Gradually, she caught my eye, then finally smiled and said, "Hello."

I smiled back.

She turned to face me. "I’m Sherrie."

"Gideon."

We shook hands.

Just at that moment, Kathie Lee breezed by. She noticed me and stopped in her tracks. She spun around on her high heels.

"Steve–my God, how are you?"

We hugged. Her perfume smelled amazing–a sort of coconut and pineapple mixture. I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Mm-hmm, Kath–you’re like a great, big, yummy pina colada." I hugged her again. "I just wanna sit by the pool and sip you like a–"

Kathie Lee pinched my cheeks playfully. "God, you never change."

The woman with red hair, who’d just introduced herself as Sherrie, glared at me. "You said your name was Gideon."

I turned to her quickly. "Sometimes it is." I turned back to Kathie Lee. "Kath, you gotta tell me–whatever happened to that pilot? I was sure that–"

Sherrie interrupted. "That wasn’t very nice. Why’d you lie about your name?"

Kathie Lee glanced at the redhead. Then she frowned at me. "Who’s the tart?"

I shook my head. "I dunno. She was sort of hitting on me."

Sherrie stomped her foot. "I wasn’t hitting on you."

"Yes you were."

"No I wasn’t."

Kathie Lee waved her hands in the air. "I gotta get some coffee. This is too tedious for me."

"All right."

Kathie Lee walked off. I turned to Sherrie. "Thanks a lot."

Sherrie glared at me. She had nice blue eyes. I looked down to check her ankles. But she was wearing long dress pants. I raised my head again. Sherrie was still glaring. "What’d I do?"

"You made me look bad in front of Kathie Lee Gifford."

"That wasn’t Kathie Lee Gifford?"

"Yeah it was."

"No it wasn’t."

"Yes it was. She’s signing her book here today. Last week, Lee Majors was here. They try to do a different celebrity each week."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

She shook her head. "I can’t believe that was Kathie Lee Gifford. I mean, did you see how much make-up she had on. She looks like a whore. I’d never wear that much blush."

"I can’t really talk about it. We used to date. So, you know–I can’t–"

"You used to date Kathie Lee Gifford?"

"Sure. I love older women."

"Come on?"

I coughed. "Jeez, you don’t believe anything I tell you."

"Well, it’s kinda hard to believe that you dated Kathie Lee Gifford."

"Why?"

"Well, you’re kinda chubby. But you are cute, in a sort of overgrown-kid kind of way."

"Hmm, it’s funny you should say that."

"Why?"

"Because Barbra Streisand said the same thing about me. I think she did–or maybe I’m just remembering it wrong."

"Barbra Streisand?"

"Yeah."

She shook her head. "You talk a really good game."

I smiled. "I’m trying."

She paused for a moment. "Here." She took a pen and pad out of her purse. "This is my home number. But don’t call after 5 or 5:30–my husband’ll be home." She scribbled a number and handed it to me.

"Cool."

"Call me."

I shook her hand. "All right."

I watched her walk toward the front of the store. Just then, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I spun around. It was Kathie Lee. She was sipping a styrofoam cup of coffee. She frowned. "Where’d that bitch go?"

I ducked my head instinctively. "Shhh–keep your voice down."

"Oh, come on. What do you care about her?"

"She wanted me."

"She wanted YOU?"

"Yeah."

"God, every girl always wants you. You’re always saying, ‘Oh, she wanted me.’" She took a sip of coffee. She swallowed and shook her head. "You never change."

"Nope, I never change. I’m still the same good old me. Everything still measures exactly the same."

Kathie Lee rolled her eyes. "Do you think women really want to hear that crap?"

I shook my head. "You know, you’re swearing a lot. You didn’t used to talk like that."

"Fuck it." She sipped her coffee. "I’ve had so many people screw me over–not to mention you."

I looked down at the floor. I studied Kathie Lee’s toenails. They were painted a sexy blood red. "Yeah, well, I know–"

"NO–you don’t know. Otherwise you wouldn’t be telling me about some chick you just met. What’s the matter with you? Aren’t you planning to grow up some day?"

"HEY." I glared at her. "I always told you what I thought. But for some reason–"

"Here we go again."

"No, look. You always liked guys who were a challenge. I have one moment of talking to some girl and you get all angry."

"Oh, please."

"It’s true."

"God." She put her left hand to her forehead. "You have no respect for women."

"Yes I do."

"No you don’t."

"Yes I do."

She shook her head. "This is so tedious. I’m not gonna get into this with you."

"But look–"

"No." She waved her hand in the air. "I can’t do this. I’ll talk to you later."

She turned and walked away.