"Shoe Hell"

There must be something wrong with me. My tastes must be completely discombobulated because something that a majority of people find to be attractive and a real turn on actually is such a turn-off to me that it drives me crazy.

It wouldn't be a problem if it was something obscure or hidden like garters and stockings (both of which I love) or being handcuffed and beaten with a Hot Wheels track (ditto). No, unfortunately for me, this repulsion is so omni-present, especially in the summer months, that there is no avoiding it anywhere I go.

I HATE open-toed shoes.

Boy do I hate them. I think they're ugly on girls and especially on guys. Nope, even the high-heel stripper shoes are gross to me. Even the thousand dollar Prada strappies make me sick. Even if you had a pedicure done and each nail meticulously filed and painted, I would still prefer it if you wore boots or smelly sneakers. Or no shoes at all.

The weird thing is that bare feet don't bother me. Bare feet are fine. I like bare feet. Run around barefoot all you want, but the minute you put on those thongs or sandals, the dates off. For some reason, toe cleavage protuding from sandals or heels hits my senses the same way a face full of boogers hits other people. My gut response is "Oh man! She's nice, has a great personality, is funny, but damn! I HATE THOSE FUCKING OPEN-TOED SHOES!!"

Jeez... Birkenstocks... Where to begin in my revulsion? I've been told they're incredibly comfortable and all that stuff for years, but they are still one of the ugliest shoes known to man. The only thing I hate more are those beige open-toed women's shoes with the wooden or wicker heels and the rope-like straps. You may think they're retro 70s funky, but to me it's a nightmare of toe-cleavage.

Every time there's an awards show or a ritzy celebrity filled event, I look for the stars who AREN'T wearing the open-toes and that's who I feel has made the bold fashion statement. Every time I hang out at the coffee house and see the flip flops and those horrible Nike slip-ons I want to start stomping feet. That guy who played the foot stomper in John Waters' "Polyester" is my fucking hero. I've thought about ways to end the trend, but it's gotten so out of hand that there's very little I could do. After I saw Fight Club I had the idea of starting a foot stomping fight club that would lead to people walking around with bruised, bloody feet. As the clubs influence would spread, soon the festering foot wounds would prompt people to go back to combat boots and Converse All Stars as the bohemian footwear of choice. Of course, this is all a pipe dream, since most normal people love open-toed shoes and I'm probably the only one who feels this way in the entire world. It's lonely and frustrating being the only one, let me tell you.

All of this might have stemmed from when I was a child and was wrestling with a camp counselor and ripped off his flip flop only to discover he had stepped in dog doo and it was now all over my hands. Perhaps that moment was one of those high impact associations that I never got over. Maybe this is the key to why every time I see toesies coming out of shoesies I think of shit.

It's hard for me to define what this whole thing means. Most people associate fetishes with feet to be ones where people want to see the foot any way they can. Is there such a thing as a reverse-fetish where I love it when the foot is hidden, but only if the person is wearing shoes? What does this whole thing say about my view on the world and life in general?

Does it make me a bad person if you think about the fact that when I meet someone wearing open-toed shoes that I'm not thinking about how pretty they are or what they have to say but only "Man, why can't they wear some tennis shoes or something?"

Told you there was something wrong with me.