By Howard Hallis

Sometimes I make lists of the things worth living for and keep those things in mind when depression and boredom drive me to thoughts of blowing my head off. This is something a lot of people probably do, and so in light of a good friend of mine deciding to hang himself last week, it seems like as good a time as any to list those things that inspire me to keep breathing.

At the same time, life in the early 2000’s kind of sucks. OK, it could be worse. There’s no draft (yet), tolerance for weirdos is pretty high (as all of the alternative subcultures have been absorbed by the mainstream) and you can get pills to make you happy or give you a boner if you need them. Still, there is a lot to be depressed about. A whole lot.

So because of this, I’m going to make 2 lists. One will be the things that make me want to stick my head in the oven and pull a Sylvia Plath, and the other will be a list of the things that get me out of bed in the morning. Sound fun? Let’s go!

REASON TO LIVE #1: My friends and family. Probably the main thing preventing me from doing something stupid is thinking about how my mom and dad would handle it. In short, they wouldn’t. My brother would probably be pretty upset by it as well, and it would bum out most of my friends.

REASON TO DIE #1: No more bills! Forget all about having to go to work to pay the rent or the car lease. Let the power companies and the gas companies raise the prices on everything to a million dollars! I won’t care! And there’s nothing anyone could do about it!

No more taxes, no more mounting debt, and no more playing the lottery like an idiot!

REASON TO LIVE #2: My girlfriend. She’s smart, beautiful, sexy and makes me feel like I’m the luckiest guy alive when I’m with her.

REASON TO DIE #2: My girlfriend. She’s more successful than I am, works all the time, won’t say she loves me, makes me feel empty inside when I’m not with her, and will probably dump me eventually anyway.

REASON TO LIVE #3: Upcoming movies, CDs and other entertainment. How can I die before seeing the Spider-Man movie, or the next Star Wars movie, or the upcoming Matrix and X-Men sequels? What about the new Tom Waits album? The new Ween? Could I really rush off to the grave without getting to experience all those things?

REASON TO DIE #3: People will finally appreciate MY art! I make karaoke CDs that I give to my friends that they never listen to. How much do you want to bet that if I kill myself they’ll bring one out of the dust bin to spin in the CD player? I have artwork up all around town with plaques near the pieces giving out my e-mail and web address. So why is it that the only letters I get are spam or the occasional hello from one of my friends? Why is it only about 20 people a week visit my site? I bet once I die and my art is finally worth something that people will pay it a lot more attention. I bet my box will be filled with e-mail! I won’t be able to read any of it, but still…

REASON TO LIVE #4: You never know what will happen next! If anyone told me in high school that I would get to experience all the experiences I’ve had in the last few years, it would have been hard for me to believe. No matter how bad it may get, a prime motivator is to stick around and see where else it can go. There will always be many good things around the corner.

REASON TO DIE #4: Things could always get worse. Recession looms, the environment is getting worse, the conservative right controls the country, all the things I want I can’t afford, I’m getting older and more jaded to things that used to excite me and chances are it’s only the beginning.

REASON TO LIVE #5: The spiritual repercussions of suicide. I’m not a firm believer in any of the after-life mythos of any of the major religions. Not that I think any of them are necessarily wrong, but since we don’t know what the next step is, they could ALL be right on the mark. No one knows! There could be a heaven, hell, nirvana, wheel of reincarnation, paradise, purgatory or whatever. Since most of these belief systems look down upon killing yourself, chances are if any of these guys ARE right, I’ll be saying "Oh shit!" when it’s a little too late.

REASON TO DIE #5: I’ll finally find out the truth. If Sartre’s right and I enter nothingness, then I will know it by not knowing it. If heaven or hell from the Hillbilly Bible is where we all end up, then I’ll be burning and spitting my tobacca with the natives.

Whatever it is, the final answer will be known to me, and it’s just a bullet blast away.

REASON TO LIVE #6: All the good stuff I’d be missing out on in life. Getting married, having kids, vacations, traveling, scuba diving, sky diving, celebrations, parties, dancing, concerts, watching your kids grow up, birthdays, museums, laughing at a good joke, seeing an old friend, holding hands with my girlfriend… and all that other cool stuff.

REASON TO DIE #6: All the bad stuff I’ll avoid. Divorces, diseases, miscarriages, robberies, funerals, auto accidents, meter maids, open-toed shoes, losing control of my bowels when I get old, radio commercials, stepping in gum, declaring bankruptcy, deadlines, shitty music by mass-marketed boy bands, reality shows that make the army look cool, and all that other crap.

CONCLUSION: Well, I guess I’m going to stick around for a little while at least. No sense throwing in the towel too early. The bad stuff is still at a level where I can deal with it. The quality of my life hasn’t turned to complete shit. I still have all my limbs and my mental faculties are intact. Not only that, but my dick still gets hard and I’m not in prison. I don’t have any incurable disease that keeps me in a constant state of pain and my white-boy angst is really kind of pathetic when you think about it. When I ponder all the people who have the REAL shit end of the stick to deal with day in and day out, it seems moronic to cut out on what ain’t such a bad gig after all. It’s not like I need a nurse to change my diaper after eating my gruel in some county hospital. I’m not completely alone in the world living in a rat infested closet getting beat up every day by a pimp that makes me chug man chowder for Big Macs. I don’t have a terrible job and no matter what may happen in the future with my girlfriend, at least I have one now and I might as well enjoy that as long as it lasts. I could be living in Afghanistan or Iraq or even have ended up as a retarded eunuch begging for scraps on the streets of India. Guess thinking like that kind of puts it all in perspective. Too bad my friend didn’t think so. Oh well.

So it goes, as Kurt Vonnegut says. So it goes.

To read other work by Howard Hallis, click here.

Dedicated to Bruce Elliot