TO WALK AMONG THE STARS:
MY CELEBRITY ENCOUNTERS

By Howard Hallis

Since I live in Los Angeles, celebrity sightings are almost a daily thing. Whether its seeing Bobby Brown and his posse getting a snack over at Jerry's Deli or Danny DeVito hanging out at The Viper Room, chances are that no matter where you go, eventually youll run into some sort of public figure.
Of course, luck has a little bit to do with it.
Back when I was in tenth grade, Moonlighting was my favorite show (Don't ask). So when I saw that they were filming an episode across the street from my high school, it didnt take much to persuade me to ditch and meet the stars. Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepherd were there in all their glory, and Bruce even told us a dirty joke! (Q: Why do you duct-tape a gerbil? A: So it wont explode when you fuck it!) The crew went on to complain about Ms. Shepherds being difficult to work with. I remember one crew guy saying Biggest bitch in television since Joan Collins!
Then there was the Tower Records signings where my friends would drag me to meet bands like XTC and the Blow Monkeys. Does anyone even remember the Blow Monkeys? All I can think about when they come to mind is this 16-year-old girl who we took with us to the signing. She was soooo obsessed with singer Dr. Robert that she started crying and convulsing when he signed her record. His manager gave her the info on what hotel they were staying at (since she was an attractive 16-year-old) so she could fulfill her groupie fantasies. She cried with joy all the way back to her house and swore to us all she would bear his children (or at least give him a rim job better than the other guys he was probably porking). After that experience, I knew I wanted to be a rock star.
Getting groupies would certainly be cool, but BEING a groupie wasn't really my thing, much to the dismay of Pet Shop Boy Neil Tennant, who I met outside of the 1985 MTV Music Awards (along with a Harley-riding Jay Leno and Whitney Houston, who is actually really hot in person- at least she was in the mid-80s). I was a big Pet Shop Boys fan and it was really great to meet them. This was before they admitted to The Advocate that they were gay, so I was really oblivious to the true nature of their intentions when Mr. Tennant invited me and my friend up to their hotel room after they commented on how much they liked my black trenchcoat. Luckily, my mom was on her way to pick up my 14-year-old ass before the Pet Shop Boys got their hands on it. Thanks mom!
Its always cool to tell people you went to school with famous people. Beverly Hills 90210 star Brian Austin Green went to Hamilton High while I was there. Even though I probably never talked to the guy, one finds that one tends to stretch the truth when trying to impress people with vast celeb encounters. So a vague acquaintance becomes a good friend. If you happen to be standing in line at Alpha Beta with John Travolta and don't say diddly shit to him, youll probably tell all your friends you met him since you were in such close proximity. What does that say about the pathetic nature of our existence?
Its amazing how tame we can get. For example, Fiona Apple went to Hamilton as well, but years after I had graduated. Some of my brothers friends knew her though. They told me her nickname was Jugs. Since I now have this inside information only those close to her know, I can get away with bullshitting to people that I met her there.
It's great to have friends in close personal relationships with the rich and famous. One of my pals dated Alyssa Milano for a while and brought her to my art opening. How cool is that? Now everyone there looked at ME like I was the shit, even though I had never met her before. Why? Because SHE WAS THERE! I was also lucky enough to get invited to a pool party with her, and let me tell you, it was a real effort to stop myself from busting a boner right out of my JC Penney trunks as images of Poison Ivy II flashed through my head. Another one of my friends was very close to 90210's Jenny Garth and we almost persuaded her to drop acid with us at a coffeehouse after hours back in 1991. Wouldn't that be crazy? Can you imagine Kelley on acid? What would Brandon think?

Restaurants are good places to see the stars. I saw Gene Hackman at Hamburger Hamlet when I was 11 years old. Courtney Thorne Smith at International House of Pancakes and Henry Rollins at Dennys. When my friend pointed out the Black Flag singer sitting a few booths down at my favorite 24-hour shit palace, I had to say something. So I said:


Wow. I think its really cool to see Henry Rollins eating at Dennys!


He looked at me and said (in a husky, punk-rock voice): GOTTA EAT.


Ah yes, the early 90's... before and just as alternative music was going over to the mainstream, you could pretty much guarantee you would meet a rock star by going over to Jabberjaw. Courtney Love was a regular there, and seeing a band play that stage was like seeing them in your bathroom, the place was so small. Nirvana played there with Hole and L7, and Iggy Pop showed up to see them. This was right after Nevermind came out, and there were more people packed into that place than I had ever seen. It must have been about 120 degrees in there. In the middle of the show I went up to Iggy Pop and asked him if he wanted to come to my art class with me for show and tell. He said no. Jerk. Beck used to play Jabberjaw as well, and used to play an open mike night I hosted every week at another coffee house called The Mad Hatters Espresso Bar. He used to have people call him Farm Boy, and I thought he was cool because he was in a King Missile song. This was right before he became one of the biggest rock stars in the world and stopped doing coffeehouse gigs. Oh well.
Genesis P-Orridge from Psychic TV and I have been friends for years. I was with him and Timothy Leary during the LA riots back in 1992 and smoked lots of hash as we watched the city burn below us. It was as if the world was coming to an end, but it was all right because I was hanging out with one each of my favorite authors and musicians as the apocalypse was raging. Genesis later introduced me to Love and Rockets when he was staying with them in Los Angeles. These people to me are big deals. I'll hang with Genesis, David J, or Tim Leary any day over Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt.
Timothy Leary and I began working together back in the early 90s and celebs would come to his house all the time for lavish parties and drug fests. A partial list (off the top of my head) of people who were there: Johnny Depp, Winona Ryder, Perry Farrell, Eldridge Cleaver, Robert Anton Wilson, Ram Dass, John Lilly, Anthony Keidis, Tony Curtis, Dennis Hopper, Garey Busey, Michelle Phillips, Dan Ackroyd, Tool, Dave Pirner, Laura Huxley, Babes in Toyland, Robert Williams, Robert Crumb, Al Jourgenson, Ozric Tentacles, Lily Tomlin, John Perry Barlow, Bill Mahr, Tony Scott, Robin Tunney, Parker Posey, Adam Sandler, and Doug Rushkoff. It was the salon to end all salons, and there will never be anything else like it. Why? Because not only was it celebrity central, but you had respect for these people. The were rebels. Just to show up there was a statement.
Lets see... other stuff I did with the stars... I watched 3D porno movies over at Pee-Wee Herman's house! I met Paul Reubens at a party thrown at Mark Mothersbaugh's house atop the Hollywood Hills. Timothy Leary invited me there and I started talking with Paul and the next thing you know he invites me to his place and pops in a video of some 3D smut. One of them had these two girls going at it as these computer-generated fruits started flying out at you. All I kept thinking to myself as we watched this was: No one is ever gonna believe this.
So why is this shit important? Why do we remember our encounters with public figures better than most that we have with much closer acquaintances? Why do we try to impress people with our superficial run-ins with the rich and famous? Maybe because they are the modern-day pantheon of deities in our material-driven capitalist society. A society where Leonardo DiCaprio (who I actually talked to at my neighborhood Taco Bell around the time Titanic finished shooting) is our Zeus and Cameron Diaz (who I saw eating lunch at Fred 62 in Silverlake) is our Demeter. Isnt that pathetic? Is this progress? Is the species evolving toward the Andy Warhol utopia? A few minutes of godliness is better than nothing I guess...
One day I hope the tabloids write about me... that Oprah has me on to plug my new movie and I get to do a walk-on on Letterman. Guest host Talk Soup. Go to cheesy awards shows and have enough money after paying for my new house in Palm Springs to blow on some worthy charity so they can honor me at a banquet. I want Liz Smith to be calling me about my venereal diseases and The Viper Room to let my shitty-ass band play there only because they know my name can draw a crowd. It probably wont happen, but maybe it will. Its the ultimate LA wet dream. I grew up here, for chrissakes!! The OWE me!!! Im not some backwoods barley-chewing yokel who sees Earnest Goes to Hell and decides: Yeah! I can be a star! Ive paid my dues! Its time for my spotlight! WHERES MY AGENT?!? CALL MY LAWYER!!! Give me a line of that crappy biker speed and let me close my eyes and pretend Im doing high grade Columbian coke with Robert DeNiro and Quentin Tarantino at some trendy dimly lit bar on the strip as we all get blow jobs from expensive hookers while discussing our next high concept piece of cinema well be screening at Cannes. Let them do that E! True Hollywood Story on me andlet that bully who used to kick my ass back in 9th grade see me on TV in his welfare rat-infested one-bedroom shithole while his fat fuck wife yells at him to try and get a raise down at the supermarket where he works! Thats why the struggle is worth it! To go out in a blaze of glory! To do it My Way!